| Thursday, May 31, 2007 |
| Rock bottom |
I've been blue for a little while. Turning 30, still being single, feeling duty bound to do things because nobody else in the house will pick up responsibilities... and bloke being an arse! All got to me. That and the hormones.
It's interesting though. For the first time I've actually understood why some people feel the only way out is to kill themself. I felt such a deep, depressing, dragging sense of tiredness, hopelessness: that nothing would or could change, that this was going to stay the way it was forever. How shocking. How scary.
I felt really bad around Christmas - but then all I wanted to do was make myself hurt, cut myself, transfer the pain. I had that about 4 weeks ago as well - in fact I'm still limping a little and in some pain in my foot from kicking a brick wall in anger and frustration. But until Tuesday night I'd never had that vivid thought of how suicide could be an answer. Scared me a little.
But there was enough light in the tunnel to see by. Enough hope to hold onto. Writing here, in my diary, sharing with a friend and a colleague that I was feeling crap, that life was piling on top of me and nothing short of a miracle would get me out of it, worked. The miracle happened.
It was as though sometimes in the plummet into the deep towards rock bottom you hit a trampoline part way down. And bounce straight back up again.
Of course, my hormones could just be on an upward swing again. I like to think it's a little miracle trampoline. :-) |
posted by Calia77 @ 10:13 pm  |
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