Tomorrow night I'm going to a Christian singles evening. I'm not quite sure why. And I'm not quite sure what I'm going to make of it!

OK, I tell a wee porky here - I'm going to meet guys. There. It's out there. I've said it. I am sad and desperate!

The truth is, though, I'm not sure what to make of it. It's been a while since a guy's been interested in me, and I still hold a certain amount of self-doubt about myself to think that a guy is going to be interested in meeting me. I mean, I say to myself, what have I got to offer? What can I talk about? I'm not up-to-date on current affairs, I'm not interested in politics, celebrity culture. I don't watch TV at the moment, and my job is an administrator - I supposed I could talk about proof-reading, editing and booking meetings. But that's not exactly interesting.

I guess a certain amount of what I'm feeling is about the fact that I can't actually see myself being interested in anyone I might meet there. I have an unhealthy dose of cynicism about it - and that's not a good thing. Fear and disinterest all mixed up in the confusion about God's will.

Do I need to hunt down a man (and if you hunt too well you get a kill - and a dead man isn't a good idea!), or do I need to watch and wait for what God brings into my life through the things I do. There's still a big part of me that thinks I need to wait. What for? Who for? For S? I'm not sure. Tiny little things are happening with S - and I mean tiny! So what do I do?

I guess I don't want to be subjected to the questions - why am I still single at nearly 30? Why haven't I dated much? Why have I not followed God's will (which is a major teaching at the moment in this group, thanks to a book by Debbie Maken called Getting Serious About Getting Married). I'm still single because only 1 person has ever asked me - and I decided (eventually) that I wanted more that life without him could offer. And I still believe that was the right decision.

The fact that I could have been married at 22 is quite scary. I'm nearly 30 and barely feel ready enough to approach a relationship with that end in mind. How could I have done so at 21? Would I have been just another statistic - a single mum with an ex around. Possible still living in North Devon, hating my life. I may think that there's something missing in my life now, but there's a lot less than there was then. Now I have a stronger relationship with God. Maybe the time is getting nearer to being right.

At 21 I was too young.

22 having too much of a 'good time' - a good time by society's standards.

At 23 I was nearing a breakdown.

At 24 I broke.

25 I started the healing process.

26 was a continuation of that.

As was 27.

28 was a year of attack - in preparation for 29, the year of all change.

So... what will 30 bring? I don't know. But actually, when I'm in an 'up' mood, I'm happy with being single - because I know that God is in charge no matter what.

And you know... He'll still be in charge tomorrow night. So what am I worried about? I just need to put on a dress, do up my face, and 'Hello world! Here's Jo!'