| Friday, April 27, 2007 |
| Vows |
The book Captivating talks about how the vows of our childhood lock us into patterns of doing life that bring death to our spirits, not life.
I vowed that I would never marry a man like my father, that I would never become like my mother. And so I closed myself off to relationships.
Sure I chase after them. Anyone who knows me know they're my main obsession. But combine my vow to never be in a relationship like my parents' with the fact that every boy between the ages of 6 to 16 rejected me, and it becomes all too clear that there are elements of self-sabotage in all my chasing, longings, obsessions.
Why else do I pour my energies into the unobtainable - those who are emotionally unavailable, those who've made it clear they're not interested? Because this can't hurt as much as what I'm trying to avoid, yet I feel fated to become part of.
And combine this with my messed up femininity - a tomboy who refused the straight-jacket of frills and flounces as a child, who felt that boys had a better deal - and a pig-headed, stubborn independence masks the fear.
Yet intertwined is an aching vulnerability that yearns to be tended to; and a grasping, nagging, controlling, emotionally-scarred, hurting child finds herself trying to live an adult life. And wonders why each day her heart feels as though another bit has grown colder, and that hope is slowly dying. |
posted by Calia77 @ 10:49 pm  |
|
| 3 Comments: |
-
My situation is different, but so much the same. You wrote this with so much clarity about yourself. The question I ask when considering what you wrote and considering how I am so similar is: Ok, so we KNOW we seek emotionally unavailable men, but if we know that...shouldn't just the knowing be a major stepping stone to overcoming and being free of the self sabotage?
I wish I had some answers for you. I am tempted to remind you how young you are how much of your life you still have ahead of you, but I hated it when people said that to me when I was your age (2 weeks and 5 days!!)
The other thing I hear ALL the time in relation to finding "love" is that it will happen when I am not looking for it, when my focus is elsewhere. Um, hello???? that would be like NEVER because I am always focused on it!
I'm sorry you are aching and feeling lonely. I wish I had some helpful words. I care about you.
Barbara
-
I made a vow that i would never be like my father, who was quite passive and then marvelled yrs later how i had managed to get to point where that vow had shaped every part of my life so i had to be in control and could never be wrong - not eaactly the best ingrediants for a healthy relationship, which probably explained why my marriage was falling apart and my sexuality was rippng me apart...
i still live with the echos of that today but i am finding new hope and new life admist the rubble...
-
I too took similar vows to self when I was little...
In the end I married someone who did turn out to be like my mother - forcing me in some ways to become what terrified me - my father. No wonder I left quite quickly as it became apparent that that was not going to change. So now I'm divorced...
Luckily/fortunately it did not end there - whilst terribly clumsy about relationships - I am now married to a gentle wonder. The only reason why that was was because I remained open to genuine relationships not trying to protect myself from them. Sure I have been hurt along the way but to choose relationships that may work and see where they go, with a bit of wisdom of avoiding women with whom I would only clash with and relationships with women who could not commit - I am eventually Home.
It's a hard road and there is hope while the heart beats.
|
| |
| << Home |
| |
|
|
|
|
My situation is different, but so much the same. You wrote this with so much clarity about yourself. The question I ask when considering what you wrote and considering how I am so similar is: Ok, so we KNOW we seek emotionally unavailable men, but if we know that...shouldn't just the knowing be a major stepping stone to overcoming and being free of the self sabotage?
I wish I had some answers for you. I am tempted to remind you how young you are how much of your life you still have ahead of you, but I hated it when people said that to me when I was your age (2 weeks and 5 days!!)
The other thing I hear ALL the time in relation to finding "love" is that it will happen when I am not looking for it, when my focus is elsewhere. Um, hello???? that would be like NEVER because I am always focused on it!
I'm sorry you are aching and feeling lonely. I wish I had some helpful words. I care about you.
Barbara