| Wednesday, December 19, 2007 |
| We are family |
 Christmas. I reckon a lot of you out there are excited about Christmas and spending time with your family. And I reckon another load of you are, if not dreading it, at least facing it with some trepidation because of family.
Family's a funny thing. You (generally) can't choose it. Those you share genes with you have no choice about. Those who become part of the family because of love, again you have no choice about. Thank goodness you can choose your friends!
My family's fairly normal. Well, I say that. I guess I'm lucky. My parents are still alive and married and, at the age of 30, I still have 3 grandparents, which is unusual. I don't have any cousin, so my generation is just me and my brother (there are some sons and daughters of my parents' cousins around, but they don't really count as we didn't grow up really knowing them). I kinda feel I don't really fit with my family. I think I'm most like my Grandma who died when I was 18 - before I got to the stage when I realised I'd like to get to know my grandparents a bit better. But it's too late for her and my other grandparents aren't really on the chatty side. I think to them family's just something you 'do' but talk about it. They don't talk about feelings. In fact, I often feel that as a family we talk a lot to each other about each other, but not really to each other.
I'm not looking forward to Christmas. I'm spending Sunday night through to Thursday morning with my parents in a hotel - a Travelodge, so just the basics there - near my Grandad's. We're doing something completely different and have upset the apple cart on the other side of the family. Grandad has a tiny bungalow with about 4 chairs, and on Christmas Day my brother and his girlfriend are making an appearance too - they're at her sister's which is near to my Grandad. So that will make 6 of us with only 4 chairs in a tiny little bungalow which is bound to be too hot as Grandad always has the heating WAY up. Oh, and did I mention I've fallen out with my brother's girlfriend because she objected to me putting pictures of her on Facebook and wrote a snotty message on my wall about it. So I took the photos off and unfriended her. Along with a number of other people I decided I didn't want to be 'friends' with (part of my plan to wean myself off Facebook and back into the real world). So that'll all be fun, fun, fun! And then Boxing Day my Dad's 'strange' cousin is coming over.
And bear in mind I hate being trapped in a place I can't escape, hate losing my freedom to roam (which is why I love London so much - the transport! I might be unreliable and expensive, but at least I can go where I want pretty much when I want) and need 'me' time and space each day.
Of course there will be arguments. My parents argue almost continually. And more so when they get stressed, which Mum will after an 8-hour journey, unfamiliar kitchen to cook in. Of course, she's already stressed. Dad's had to fly to Germany for work suddenly and there's bound to be a problem with his flight back on Friday. There will be snow and we'll all get stuck in various places. Then the car will break down so they won't be able to use the roof box for all their stuff and Grandma and Grandad's (who they're dropping off at my uncle and aunt). Of course there will be food she can't take (because they should have gone on Monday not Sunday) and when she gets there all the shops will have sold out of food. On on it goes...
And there's also the fact my mother thinks I'm depressed about being single and 30. Well, I'm fed up with being single, but I more fed up with being treated as though I'm depressed about it and it can border on Bridget Jones territory. I sometimes feel they'd all happily have Christmas sorted if they didn't have to worry about the spinster daughter to mess things up!
Slightly off on a tangent, but I wonder sometimes if I sabotage potential relationships because I fear introducing them to my family. With a father who insists on embarrassing me when he's around people (and it has been commented on by a friend), a grandfather who's bordering on nationalist (I know it's his age/generation, but with very few of my 'relationships' being with nice, white English boys there have been a few conversations that have needed a sneaky escape from) and other grandparents who can't quite understand why at 27 and 30 my brother and I aren't married (though at least he's living with his girlfriend, so he's one step ahead - and 3 years younger), I'm sure there's a subconscious level to it.
So, Christmas. I'm looking forward to those days after Christmas when I'm back in London and I'm not working. I'm sure I'll be bored 'cos there'll be no one around. But at least I'll have my freedom.
I guess I could sum this up much simpler: family just isn't the centre of my world. Maybe marriage and kids would change that, but at this time, my friends are my 'family', London is my home (does it bug anyone else that 30-year-olds who've lived away from home for 12 years, are married, own a house, etc. still call their parents' place 'home', or is it just me? No, I'm not 'going home' for Christmas, I live at home. I'm going to visit my family.) and just because people who are finding their place in this new family - my family - have done family differently all their lives, doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly become 'Family Jo' (yes, that's the brother's girlfriend again. But don't get me started on her relationship with her family).
Merry Christmas to my blog friends out there, and a Happy New Year. I hope 2008 is full of many blessings, joys and excitements for you. |
posted by Calia77 @ 1:20 am  |
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| Sunday, December 09, 2007 |
| Talking about forgiveness |
A Story About Forgiveness
At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, "Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?"
Jesus replied, "Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven.
"The kingdom of God is like a king who decided to square accounts with his servants. As he got under way, one servant was brought before him who had run up a debt of a hundred thousand dollars. He couldn't pay up, so the king ordered the man, along with his wife, children, and goods, to be auctioned off at the slave market.
"The poor wretch threw himself at the king's feet and begged, 'Give me a chance and I'll pay it all back.' Touched by his plea, the king let him off, erasing the debt.
"The servant was no sooner out of the room when he came upon one of his fellow servants who owed him ten dollars. He seized him by the throat and demanded, 'Pay up. Now!'
"The poor wretch threw himself down and begged, 'Give me a chance and I'll pay it all back.' But he wouldn't do it. He had him arrested and put in jail until the debt was paid. When the other servants saw this going on, they were outraged and brought a detailed report to the king.
"The king summoned the man and said, 'You evil servant! I forgave your entire debt when you begged me for mercy. Shouldn't you be compelled to be merciful to your fellow servant who asked for mercy?' The king was furious and put the screws to the man until he paid back his entire debt. And that's exactly what my Father in heaven is going to do to each one of you who doesn't forgive unconditionally anyone who asks for mercy."
Matthew18:21-35 I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness recently. I share a house with 4 other members of my church. It's a houseshare where there is less choice about who moves in - the Diocese owns the house and the vicar is the landlord.
You'd think that a group of Christians living together would be easy. That if there were issues they would be dealt with in a mature, adult way, full of grace.
Well, you'd be wrong. Take loud Mr Morning, who likes to sing at any time. His loud morning singing was driving me nuts. On talking to him about it: "I wish you wouldn't sing in the morning so loudly", the response I got was "well, Josephine, sometimes we don't get the things we wish for".
Then there's his friends that come to stay - either without you knowing, so you stumble into your front room at 4am to find you've woken someone, or you get told they're coming. No asking.
Then there's the fact a couple of them have to be chased at least twice to pay me their share of the bills I pay, which has left me short a couple of months.
And as for the cleaning rota - why bother? They hardly do it anyway. And when Miss Bossy asked what 'cleaning the downstairs rooms' meant I nearly had a fit. And then asked her why she hadn't done it when you was supposed to have done: "I'm getting around to it". Which is not an excuse that sits with her, as she'd been moaning just a week ago that someone hadn't done their turn on time!
When does the servant heart of being a Christian stop and rolling over and becoming a doormat begin?
When does give and take be mutual, and not me giving and them taking?
According to Jon Walker, who writes many of the Purpose Driven Life daily devotionals, when it comes to issues of forgiveness and unforgiveness:
The power of God – working within us – means we’re no longer slaves to unforgiveness or bitterness. We can ask God to help us release any offender and find the courage to ask for forgiveness.
What now?
- Talk to God before talking to the person – Whether you have been offended or you are the offender, talk to God about the situation and receive his insight and direction. Center yourself on God and allow him to plant within you a deep, deep acceptance that all things really do work together for those who believe in his Father’s heart and in his incorruptible sovereignty.
- Ventilate vertically – Like David in the Psalms, use prayer to vent your frustration upward, rather than venting around you. If you’ve been offended, cry out to God, telling him exactly how you feel. He won’t be surprised or upset by your anger, hurt, insecurity, or bitterness.
- Confess your part of the conflict – In order to restore a relationship, begin by confessing any sins of your own that contributed to the broken relationship. Jesus says this will help you see things more clearly: “First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.” (Matthew 7:5 NLT)
- Always take the initiative – It doesn’t matter whether we’re the offender or the offended, Jesus told us to make the first move: “This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.” (Matthew 5:23-24 MSG)
Forgiveness is not easy:
Genuine forgiveness is not an easily cultivated art. Especially when we have been gravely wounded by another person, our basic human dignity affronted, it is no simple task to forgive. Nor should it be done lightly. For we need also to recognize and affirm the anger, the pain, the betrayal, or the sense of injustice that we feel when genuinely hurt.
Wendy M. Wright
The Rising I was talking with a friend today. He (because blokes ALWAYS have a solution) suggested I need to stop stressing about it so much. Either address it or leave it. Don't let it fester. Easier said than done for an experienced grudge-holder. But he's right. It only makes me ill.
But, as I was cleaning the whole house yesterday before a party (nobody cleaned last weekend - it was my weekend off), I suddenly found myself thinking about the Matthew passage at the beginning of this post. And found myself wondering to God: why and how does He put up with me? Why does He bother with me, I mess up so often? Why...?
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| posted by Calia77 @ 9:02 pm |
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| Tuesday, November 27, 2007 |
| Ask God for what you want! |
'THE REASON YOU DON'T HAVE WHAT YOU WANT IS...YOU DON'T ASK GOD.' JAMES 4:2
Imagine walking into a restaurant on a whim and asking if your order is ready. 'When did you call it in?' the waiter asks. 'Oh I didn't,' you reply, 'I just thought perhaps you'd have something with my name on it.' Sound ridiculous? No more so than expecting God to answer requests you haven't made; in faith, believing. James says, 'The reason you don't have what you want is...you don't ask God.' Does that mean He'll automatically give you everything you ask for? No. James adds, 'Even when you do ask you don't get it because...you want only what will give you pleasure' (James 4:3 TLB). Your motives need to be in tune with what God knows is best for you. John says, 'This is the confidence...we have in Him...if we ask anything...according to His will...He...hears' (1John 5:14 AMP). Lamentations 3:25 says, 'The Lord is good to those who wait...expectantly for Him' (AMP). Expectant prayer demonstrates confidence in God's goodness. Instead of fretting and taking matters into your own hands, when you say, 'Lord, I'm going to trust you with this, regardless of the outcome,' He'll honour your faith. Paul says, 'in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God' (Philippians 4:6 NKJ). Do you need a job? Help overcoming a problem? Salvation for your loved ones? A deeper walk with God? Physical or emotional healing? Jesus said, '...your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom' (Luke 12:32 NIV). God wants to be good to you, so tell Him the 'desires of your heart' (Psalm 37:4 NKJ). And thank Him that the answer will come; in His time!
OK, so here goes.
"God, I want to meet someone. But more than that, I want to be right. I don't think I'm capable of meeting anyone now. I'm too needy. Take that need from me: fill it. Help me to feel fulfilled in you. Then I can meet someone. If it is Your will, of course. But if I get a choice: I'd rather like to meet someone." |
| posted by Calia77 @ 9:34 pm |
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| A year |
I can't believe it's almost December. Where has the year gone to? Though having said that, I've been through a lot in 11 months. I've learned a lot. I think I may even have grown somewhat during this time.
- I've learned that no matter how strong we think we are, somethings get the better of us.
- I've learned that not matter what we've done, God still loves us.
- I've learned that those who profess to be Christians, to be part of the Body of Christ, can be like a cancer, tearing that body apart, causing destruction, pain and hurt wherever they tread.
- I've learned that I can be friends with a guy I have had strong feelings for, but that also those feelings can come back (darn them!).
- I've learned that life is not just about sex!
- I've learned that life is not all about me!
- I've learned that it may be hard to say sorry, but it's a lot less painful in the long run. And I wish others would learn that too.
- I've learned that to stop the wheel turning you have to get off. And I wish others would learn that too.
- I've learned that I'd rather regret the things I have done that the things I haven't (as long as they're not illegal or immoral).
- I've learned that there are some friends you can't tell everything.
- I've learned that there are some friends who shouldn't really be called friends and that they really don't have your best interests at heart.
- I've learned that to not talk about my faith (even as simply as to not say I go to church) is to deny myself. And besides, you never know how God can use that conversation.
- I've learned that I can say 'No' to blokes and that it's not always going to be them saying 'No' to me.
- I've learned that there's more to life than finding a man (honestly, I have, its just that I do like them!).
- I've learned that you can help people through difficult times by listening and letting them voice their concerns.
- I've learned that I can actually sing.
- I've learned that I still find reading the Bible and praying difficult.
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| posted by Calia77 @ 2:48 pm |
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| Saturday, November 17, 2007 |
| I get the hint |
So, I texted the guy Sunday. He texted back Monday and I replied later that day. I've heard nothing since.
I get the hint. Hard to miss, really.
It's funny, isn't it? We pursue people - he did a good job of that, which was nice, the first time I've really been chased before - and then we meet them. And then... well, people aren't always what they seem, are they?
I guess I would have been deluding myself if I'd said I could have seen him being 'the one' (not that I believe there is 'the one'), so although my pride is a little bit dented, I'm not hugely bothered.
Another experience. And new things I've learned. Would I rather live my life wishing I had taken the risk? |
| posted by Calia77 @ 8:21 pm |
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| Sunday, November 11, 2007 |
| The Facebook status I can never have |
"Jo is happy because she had a man in her bed last night and is pleased her virtue is still intact and pleasantly surprised that not all men seem to want to get into her knickers straightaway and thinks maybe there are some nice guys who like her out there after all" Probably not the status to share when friends and family are your Facebook friends.
So I saw the guy again Friday night. Brought him home. We had another of those "this is not about a quick shag" talks on the way back to mine, which upset him. He thinks I ask too many questions and that even if he was just after that he'd tell me he wasn't to shut me up.
But it appears he's not just after that. I didn't sleep with him. In either sense of the word. How do you married people do it, night after night? What I mean is, how do you actually get any sleep? I can't, and I have a king size bed, so it's not as if there isn't enough room for 2. At a push you could probably get 4 in! Not that I ever intend to do that! ;-)
I know I took a risk. I could be sat her bemoaning the fact that I'd done something I really wanted to do but knew I shouldn't. But I haven't. He was right - he was not just after a quick shag and then goodbye. It was nice to not have to fight off hands. And actually, it wasn't just about that for me either. I wasn't having to fight my own desire all night because actually it wasn't forefront of my mind. Sure, there were a couple of moments, it's not as if I find him repulsive! But - and this is a rarity for me - it was not just about the sex for me.
So maybe the Facebook status I can never have should be:
"Jo is learning that sometimes she can fancy a man and not just want to have sex with him!" |
| posted by Calia77 @ 10:00 am |
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