| Thursday, May 31, 2007 |
| Rock bottom |
I've been blue for a little while. Turning 30, still being single, feeling duty bound to do things because nobody else in the house will pick up responsibilities... and bloke being an arse! All got to me. That and the hormones.
It's interesting though. For the first time I've actually understood why some people feel the only way out is to kill themself. I felt such a deep, depressing, dragging sense of tiredness, hopelessness: that nothing would or could change, that this was going to stay the way it was forever. How shocking. How scary.
I felt really bad around Christmas - but then all I wanted to do was make myself hurt, cut myself, transfer the pain. I had that about 4 weeks ago as well - in fact I'm still limping a little and in some pain in my foot from kicking a brick wall in anger and frustration. But until Tuesday night I'd never had that vivid thought of how suicide could be an answer. Scared me a little.
But there was enough light in the tunnel to see by. Enough hope to hold onto. Writing here, in my diary, sharing with a friend and a colleague that I was feeling crap, that life was piling on top of me and nothing short of a miracle would get me out of it, worked. The miracle happened.
It was as though sometimes in the plummet into the deep towards rock bottom you hit a trampoline part way down. And bounce straight back up again.
Of course, my hormones could just be on an upward swing again. I like to think it's a little miracle trampoline. :-) |
posted by Calia77 @ 10:13 pm  |
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| Tuesday, May 29, 2007 |
| Tired |
Tired.
So tired of obligation.
Duty bound to do the things
that need to be done.
The things no one else will do
because they know I'll do them.
Tired.
So tired of missing out
on things I want to do
for things I should be doing.
While others merrily
go about their way,
not a care for seeing that
the routine things get done.
Tired.
So tired of going home alone
each day
when all I want is arms to hold me tight
and not let go,
to whisper words of encouragement
and stay.
No wife to go back to,
no husband or child,
no boyfriend to keep them from me.
So tired of yet another heartbreak.
So tired of fighting on my own.
Tired.
So tired of feeling cut off from God,
not feeling as though I'm meeting Him
at church.
Too conscious of what is going on around,
checking everyone's OK,
helping keep the children busy.
So tired of not being able to let go,
to abandon myself to Him,
for fear of others' sensibilities.
Tired.
So tired of life
when hormones rage
and bring me down low,
so sometimes I understand
how some just can't go on.
How easy it could be to just let go.
It's all too much:
responsibility burdens me
to the point where I want to rebel
and walk,
run away from it all,
leave it all behind.
Run off and make another life,
start afresh somewhere else,
as someone else.
Or stop it all...
So tired. |
| posted by Calia77 @ 10:19 pm |
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| Sunday, May 27, 2007 |
| I want a man, not a boy |
So I went out Friday night with 'the' guy and some of his mates. It was not far off a complete disaster!
I arrived. Didn't know anyone. Went to the bar, gave the barman a twenty, got change for 10! Wasn't happy, but that got sorted. Sat down, got introduced - very briefly - and say guy turned his back on me (literally!) and carried on a conversation he was having. Everyone else was chatting to each other too. It was a couple of minutes before the girls to my right took pity on me and started talking - you don't really want to butt in on a conversation, do you? So you, well I do, sit there like a lemon until somebody makes an opening.
Hardly spoke to him at all that evening. He was too busy chatting to this girl he'd met at a churchy thing Monday night.
And you know what? When I told him this morning I'd felt isolated as I was the only one who didn't know anyone, he said that wasn't true! That the others didn't either. This girl, apparently didn't know anyone. Apart from, of course, the 2 friends she'd brought with her! (She was young, pretty and blonde, if that has any bearing on the matter!)
Sometimes it hurts to have your eyes opened. When you realise that you don't even register on this person's social radar. That you're just that slightly crazy girl from church who he's known for 18 months, occasionally done things with, makes great banana cakes. All that after being really, really sweet the week before on her birthday! (He got me a card and doctored it to be a 30-year-old card because he didn't like any of the proper 30 cards, and had to buy special pens to do it! I was touched by that. A lot. And then came back to watch Dr Who at my place after the party.)
I'm not sure if I like the him I saw outside of church, outside of 1-on-1.
Maybe this is the wake up call I need to let go. To let him go. To let God into my life and to allow Him to move me on. Thing is, when I see him at church it's hard to reconcile the guy I was with Friday night.
Is it too much to ask for a man, not a boy? Ah well... That's life. |
| posted by Calia77 @ 9:24 pm |
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| Being real |
 "I am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it's all that I have."
Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?, John Powell I think for a number of years this was the enduring image my family and people I knew had of me. Grumpy. Prone to sulking and skulking off, away from people. Actually, I still do that now, to some extent: if I'm feeling low or hurting I'll often hide out somewhere. Tables are good places to hide under!
But isn't that quote so true? How many masks do we wear? How many personalities do we carry around inside us (and I don't mean schizophrenia)? How many 'us's' are there that we pull out for certain occasions, certain people, certain places? I know we all have different facets of our personality for friends, family, colleagues; for serious business meetings, for a friend's birthday bash. But sometimes we may feel we're a whole different person.
I made a promise to myself a few years ago that I would try to be me to everyone. That's hard! It hurts being that vulnerable, sometimes. When you've spent years growing up being rejected purely for being you (can't kids be cruel to one another?), 5, 10, 15 years later it still echoes inside, still makes you shaky and uncertain when meeting new people, still makes you wonder 'why on earth would they want to be my friend?' Even when 20, 30 people turn up to your birthday party, you might still go home wondering why they came.
Because even though you're crying out with your whole being, "If you knew me yesterday, please do not think that it is the same person that you are meeting today", deep inside you don't necessarily believe it. You may still think that the person you were when you were 7 (as the picture above shows) is the person who still are now.
And that makes it hard to ask for friendship. Because ultimately developing friendship is a risky business - it means asking: "Do you want to come for coffee/a drink/watch a film with me?" And they might just say no. And each 'no' crushes you that little bit smaller, if you let it.
But my point was supposed to be about being real. About being us the real us's. Who is the real me? I'm not entirely sure, but it's pretty much who you see, whether I be happy or sad, introverted or extroverted, busy or relaxing, brave or afraid, I am who I am. And that's all that I can be. |
| posted by Calia77 @ 8:24 pm |
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| Tuesday, May 22, 2007 |
| Guard your heart |
| I see a lot of myself in this post. |
| posted by Calia77 @ 10:05 pm |
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| 'Pulling a Ruth' |
 One day Naomi her mother-in-law said to her, "My daughter, should I not try to find a home for you, where you will be well provided for? Is not Boaz, with whose servant girls you have been, a kinsman of ours? Tonight he will be winnowing barley on the threshing floor. Wash and perfume yourself, and put on your best clothes. Then go down to the threshing floor, but don't let him know you are there until he has finished eating and drinking. When he lies down, note the place where he is lying. Then go and uncover his feet and lie down. He will tell you what to do."
"I will do whatever you say," Ruth answered. So she went down to the threshing floor and did everything her mother-in-law told her to do. When Boaz had finished eating and drinking and was in good spirits, he went over to lie down at the far end of the grain pile. Ruth approached quietly, uncovered his feet and lay down. In the middle of the night something startled the man, and he turned and discovered a woman lying at his feet. "Who are you?" he asked. "I am your servant Ruth," she said. "Spread the corner of your garment over me, since you are a kinsman-redeemer."
Ruth 3:1-9 "Not content to just wait for Boaz to take notice of her, Ruth’s mother-in-law encouraged her to place herself in Boaz’s path. Ruth went to Boaz’s threshing floor and covered herself with his cloak: That was the Old Testament way of saying “I’m available.”
She made her intentions known — that she wanted to get married — and it worked. Not only did she get a husband, she got God’s blessing and a baby named Obed who became the grandfather of King David and a direct ancestor of Jesus."
'Pulling a Ruth Part 1 & Part 2', Candice Z. Watters, Boundless.
I've always liked the book of Ruth because Ruth went after what she wanted. She's a strong woman to be an example. And she was a strong woman of God too.
She has many number of lessons to teach.
Picture source |
| posted by Calia77 @ 8:59 pm |
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| Crisis |
 Help! I've been invited to a club on Friday night. By a guy! A guy I like. OK, so just a few of his friends going. But still... it's the first time he's ever invited me anywhere.
Now I'm tying myself in knots with worry.
It's quite a 'trendy' club. What do I wear? I've got a 50s summer BBQ at work that same evening and have to find something that does both. Or come back home and then go out again.
What time do I turn up? Eek! Do I go early and him not be there or risk being later and not getting in? Do I ask him what time he's going, can I meet him, etc? I do I brave it and make my own way there? I'm slightly nervous about it already.
What if I do or say something silly? What if I don't get on with his friends? What if there's a girl there HE likes? What, what, what?
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?"
Matthew 6:25
Yes, OK. But, Lord, you weren't going on a non-date with a cute guy you like when you said that, were you?
Argh! |
| posted by Calia77 @ 6:43 pm |
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| Tuesday, May 15, 2007 |
| Getting serious about getting married |
Debbie Maken, author of book of title of this post, has been on record again. This time she has been interviewed by spiraluniverse, talking about singleness, sex, marriage, children, evangelism and celibacy.
Any thoughts? |
| posted by Calia77 @ 11:54 pm |
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| Sunday, May 13, 2007 |
| Heart hunting... part 2 |
| There was a sense of irony last night, at my Grandparents' Diamond wedding anniversary dinner, that I was picking up tiny, pearlescent hearts from the table and dropping them in my bag. |
| posted by Calia77 @ 7:47 pm |
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| Friday, May 11, 2007 |
| Loving out the fear |
Loving Out The Fear By Jon Walker All of you should be of one mind, full of sympathy toward each other, loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds. (1 Peter 3:8 NLT) God enables us to love the fear out of one another. We drive fear from our families and friends by loving one another so supportively that every one feels safe inside the group (1 John 4:18). This safety allows us to bring our humanity into the open, including all our pain and joy, our ups and downs, our victories and defeats. It means you give to others the same uncommon safety Christ gives you – to be real, to be sad, to be messed up and confused, yet to be loved. God challenges us to create a Christ-community where we love like our lives depend upon it (1 Peter 1:22) and where we can each “live and move and have our being.” (Acts 17:28) We’re to weep as one and celebrate as one, caring for each other equally (1 Corinthians 12:25-26) as we comfort and confront, warm and warn, cherish and challenge within an atmosphere of supportive safety. Loving the fear out of each other requires that we develop: Tender hearts – We give support to each other because God gives us support, and we’re to encourage others with the encouragement we receive from him. (2 Corinthians 1:4) In the New Testament, the word ‘support’ can literally mean “to increase one another’s potential.” (Romans 14:19 NJB) We strengthen one another by extending love, instead of fostering fear, and we do that by offering relationships that are safe and sympathetic. Humble minds –True humility focuses on the worth of others. We understand our value in Christ, and we understand that God shapes each of us for a unique purpose. Godly eyes – Loving the fear out of our family and friends – in fact, loving the fear out of the world – means we see others for what they can be, not for what they appear to be now. Jesus called Peter a rock when the fisherman was still acting on impulse (Matt. 16:18), and God called Gideon a mighty man of courage when he was hiding from the enemy among piles of grain. (Judges 6:11-12) God calls us to encourage and affirm each other (1 Thessalonians 5:11), seeing those around us in terms of their purpose and mission in life. So what? - God enables us to love the fear out of one another. You can love the fear out of others, and you can allow the fear to be loved out of you.
- We exhibit tender hearts when we say to one another:· It’s OK to have a bad day.· It’s OK to be tired.· It’s OK to admit your mistakes.· It’s OK to say your marriage is failing.· It’s OK to confess your addiction.· It’s OK to share you’re scared.· It’s OK to want a day away from your toddler.· It’s OK to grieve this loss.· It’s OK to doubt, to be confused, to cry.
- We exhibit humble minds when we say to one another:· It’s OK to be happy you got a new car.· It’s OK to celebrate that you got a huge raise.· It’s OK to joyfully tell us you lost 17 pounds.· It’s OK to say you won the sales competition.· It’s OK to shout “Hallelujah!” because God’s presence in your life is so good.· It’s OK to tell us these things because we will be as happy for you as if these blessings had come to us, and we will join you in hearty celebration.
© 2007 Jon Walker. All rights reserved.
Wow! How good is that? Not only can we help one another by loving them through trials, through change, through the bad times, but we can celebrate the good times with them too! And how affirming - especially for me at the moment - that it's OK to be me. - It's OK to be pleased that I found the perfect dress for my birthday at the knock-down price of £20 from £70.
- It's OK to be me, hobbling around all week because in my hurt and frustration I decided it kicking a wall would take away the pain I didn't want to feel and focus it on a physical pain.
- It's OK to be me, the woman who gets merry - or maudlin - after 2 bottles of Sol and tells the man she likes that he makes her feel crappy and inadequate at times because he's an amazing musician - and she's not.
- It's OK to be scared of being alone, yet scared of getting involved because the pain of being left is greater than the pain of never being met.
Part-way through writing this I realised I'd missed an email in my inbox and had a browse at today's Henri Nouwen Daily Meditation: Lifting the Cup When we hold firm our cups of life, fully acknowledging their sorrows and
joys, we will also be able to lift our cups in human solidarity. Lifting our
cups means that we are not ashamed of what we are living, and this gesture
encourages others to befriend their truths as we are trying to befriend ours. By
lifting up our cups and saying to each other, "To life" or "To your health," we
proclaim that we are willing to look truthfully at our lives together. Thus, we
can become a community of people encouraging one another to fully drink the cups
that have been given to us in the conviction that they will lead us to true
fulfillment.
Oh! Obviously something I really have been needing to hear. |
| posted by Calia77 @ 2:26 pm |
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| Thursday, May 10, 2007 |
| Heart hunting |
A comment on my previous post:
"Yet the hearts weren't broken... they were whole but there were lots of them. I wonder instead if the little hearts reflect the different places/ways you're seeking love or happiness. How did it feel looking for them... was it rewarding or frustrating? That might me more elucidating."
Interesting. I've been praying with a friend recently and she's been saying that I need to look at what I'm seeking instead of God to replace the empty bits inside me.
Searching for the hearts - some were easy to find; some had to be removed from threads of beads, all tangled up and not easy to collect.
I'm being plagued by very vivid dreams at the moment, and hormonally this is the wrong time. It's tiring. But it looks like some are calling to me, speaking to me the things I need to hear. |
| posted by Calia77 @ 7:59 am |
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| Sunday, May 06, 2007 |
| I had a dream |
I've been dreaming again. Which is strange, as hormonally this is the wrong time for me to have such vivid dreams.
Last night's dream was unusual and poignant. I dreamt I was walking on a wild, brush-filled hillside. With a man. The man is not the focal point of the dream. However, he was searching for mice with a strange tiger/dog animal!
I, however, was off searching for hearts. Hidden away in the brush, in the grass, in the rabbit holes, were tiny little hearts, all different shapes, sizes, colours. Scattered across the hillside.
It struck me today, as I was in tears about something else, that perhaps this was my broken heart, scattered, shattered. And I was hunting down the pieces to get it put back together again. |
| posted by Calia77 @ 6:04 pm |
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| The blessing of peas |
 Peas. Yum! My favourite vegetable. Fresh peas are yummy to eat. And frozen peas are good to put on a bruised and swollen foot.
When you're stressed, fed up and generally feeling under attack and in pain, a diversionary tactic is to create pain elsewhere. Which is why I pick at myself - a slightly less obvious form of self-harm.
Kicking walls also work very well as a diversion. The pain in my right foot is so bad I don't have the time to think about the other things that are upsetting and hurting me!
Not to be recommended though! |
| posted by Calia77 @ 5:59 pm |
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| Thursday, May 03, 2007 |
| Mountaineer |
Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.
Do you ever feel like this?
I do. I fequently respond like this:
Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons. |
| posted by Calia77 @ 8:19 pm |
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